January 25, 2011

How are you?

How Are You?
my short response,

Society’s obsession with the well being of ‘the other’ can often be translated into a longing for one’s self to be acknowledged. This special inquisitive nature that comes pre-installed in our operating systems liks MS_Dos in 1995 has eluded my own. Usually (for me at least), it’s pretty darn obvious how somebody else is “doing,” per se, thus making it redundant to ask. Maybe my own empathy, borderlining psychic phenomena, is the cause of my cynical stance on formalities. Maybe it is my own obsessive avoidance of meaningless rituals and customs, which now includes rebelling against the suit ‘n tie culture I was once a staunch advocate, that compels me to elaborate on this topic.

Ahhh the redundancy of “how are you?”– it can only be matched by it’s juxtaposed meaningless “I’m fine, how are you” response… I would rather, if time permits, ask a more meaningful question, like–

“is the happiness you appear to exude all-encompassing or worn as a mask to shield your underlying dissatisfaction with life in general?”

This, I imagine, might scare away even my closest of compatriots. But at least I achieve something other than rote robotic automaton responses. My general cynicism may explain why I have very few close friends, but very close (and genuine) nonetheless.

There are three distinct types of “how are you’s” I have observed:
1)that spoken in passing as a form of small-talk generation or even deflection
2)sincere inquiry into another’s well-being
3)innate desire for oneself to be acknowledged.

Anything less of a Doctor-Patient relationship should disqualify a “how are you?” inquiry for the #2 cateogry (selfless, altruistic). When commonly used, “how are you?”, the #2 meaning is often a subconscious transmutation of meaning #3– our selfless consciously asked question masks a deeper unconscious desire to be acknowledged and understood: “how are you” is really “how am I.”

A chief reason for masking one’s selfishness: if exposed as a conscious desire, it would face unpleasant social consequences– for example a labeling of narcissistic versus having high self esteem, a line that is more often blurred than well defined. For the sake of this discussion, I will reduce the significance of #1’s occurrence (for the meaningless sake of small talk), and assume instead, that there is innate meaning and intent in all actions, words, and questions.
So to tackle the main issue: do people actually care about me? or do they care ‘more’ about themselves? Are they really asking how ‘I’ am doing…? or rather– inquiring if my sensations at the moment resonate with theirs, so that we may find common ground and build rapport?

If my answer is “yes,” that he/she who inquires actually ‘cares’ about me– then I am further inclined to ask “why,” — why do you care about me? What have I done, or what do you expect that I shall do, that is so deserving of your care?

If one were to sincerely be so care-ful and so thoughtful of my well-being and emotions, one should also be so intuitive to realize that this very question causes me undue anxiety and stress, enough to avoid asking the question in the first place. But since I do not expect my brethren to be psychic then I shall attribute them with ignorance. Day after day, the barrage of selfish self acknowledgement-seeking persists (reminiscing on my experiences in The Workplace). So at this point, my general prognosis wavers between Selfishness or Pure Ignorance. Neither of which is a very positive prognosis for mankind.

In this instance, the utterance of the question “how are you?” acknowledges that its issuer has insufficient emotional intelligence, as I am generally blunt in my emotions (or lack thereof), shows little care for my mental well being, and leads to my forgone conclusion that he who asks is only in care of his own well being.

“I was doing fine before you so rudely interrupted my life”

–may be my most common feeling, repressed into the depths of unconscious of course. For the sake of social conformity I must usually muster a more politically correct response, like “good,” or to be grammatically correct, “very well.” Notice that if I leave it at that, I am now ignoring the other person’s feelings by ‘not’ asking about them… well to be blunt, I really don’t give a rat’s ass about your well being and I hope you can appreciate my honesty.

In another instance– it is probably a widely-held belief (conscious or unconscious) that people want their feelings to be acknowledged. A non-judgmental psychotherapist would give statements such as, “I see how that experience can be so distressing for you,” to encourage rapport and elaboration. If most people want their feelings acknowledged, then it seems natural that phrases such as “how are you?” have littered their way into everyday language.

I can foresee that it would be most insulting to assume that “how are you?” results from a selfish rather than selfless impulse: It’s either this misanthropic conclusion of man’s innate narcissism– or that society has conditioned us to automatically utter this phrase that we are so inclined to use it. I’d rather not believe that we can be so mind-controlled to have the latter event (environmental cause) encompass 100% of the explanation.

Even regarding all the healer-type Mother Teresa’s out there– they must admit to an inherent state of unrest (anxiety) to know that someone else is not doing ‘well.’ “This situation must be remedied,” as the healer would say– “the person must be healed before I can rest at ease.” Thus satisfying the inherent desire to be at ease, or the Freudian concept of nirvana.

Either way– I propose doing away with the phrase “how are you?” in preference of uttering “how am I?” But since “how am I?” can be asked without the presence of another person, it would make it altogether irrelevant to even utter this question, as oneself should be able to diagnose one’s self’s well being.

So maybe the error is interpreting words verbatim.

Maybe ‘they’ are right. Maybe I just think too much.

Maybe “how are you?” really means

“I like you, I’d like to get to know you better, and in an attempt to find some common ground I will pretend to inquire as to your well being when it is actually preferred that you inquire about mine.”

In this age of linguistic subtleties and reading between the lines, I’d much rather just opt out and focus on surfing and riding motorcycles.

My final conclusion is that “how are you?” is most generally used as a form of tension release, similar to the base function of humor and laughter. Most often– we laugh, at things that are not funny. And we “lol” at things online then proceed to not even utter a sound from our mouths. Humor occurs in the head, and laughter occurs in the body, the physical. Thus “how are you?” could mean any number of things I have not yet mentioned.

“How are you?” develops because we are nervous– and in a fit of nervous rage we blurt the first thing that comes to mind, an inquiring question that begs an inquisitive response:

“I’m fine, how are you?”

Since this is the standard response–

then I am really asking you–

“how am I?”

And that wouldn’t make much sense. Though it would be much more honest.

December 15, 2010

In God We Trust

I’ve figured it out. Why it’s on our dollar bill, “In God We Trust”. When our financial system was created and the first $1 bill was being designed, the founders of our financial system knew they were setting out to create one massive Ponzi scheme before Ponzi’s parents had ever met or even been born. They knew that social security was a big lie, but if you had faith or hope or belief or whatever you want to call that blind trust you have in an undefinable object as a defense mechanism to hide your own insecurities or unanswerable questions… whatever the feeling you call trust, you just have to trust the system to work.

If you stop trusting the system to work and run to the bank and grab all your money, the system will come crashing down.

That is why they had to fool you into believing god was behind the financial system — otherwise they would not be able to mind control you into thinking a green piece of paper was worth goods and services. They are just toying with your emotions.

November 22, 2010

Digital Depression, Electronic Insanity, Mental Environmentalism

This is the awesomest article I’ve ever read: http://www.realitysandwich.com/interwebs_mental_environmentalism

my favorite term: “digital depression” — wow, we all have this.

this is one of my favorite sentences from the article:

“The persona itself has become a kind of hyperlinked body, connecting to whatever the latest crap we lapped during our last surf, or we drop into the bits in our personal meme hall of fame when there happens to be an uncomfortable silence.”

Uncomfortable Silence.

Wow. If only people could admit to having that.

*copy and pasted below for your laziness.

Are your heartfelt attempts at being genuine, authentic and intimate with other human beings, or even your self, being dashed by addicts having conversations with invisible people?  Finding it hard to read 4 or 5 pages, let alone a whole novel, unless it’s something from the Young Adults genre?  Well, since the 1997 AOL sign-up boom, which was followed quickly by the emergence of social networking websites, massive file sharing, and high quality streaming video, a dialog has been brewing from all participants, “Is the Internet playing with our brains?”  Recent studies and publications seem to be tilting the meter from “likely” to an emphatic, screaming, undeniable “YES!”

At the forefront of this discussion is Nicholas Carr’s recent book, The Shallows: What the Internet is doing to our Brains.  Carr points out that any advancement of technology, but especially those of communication, have a naturally occurring rewiring effect on thought and behavior.  Marshall MchLuhan, Neal Postman, and other popular media-technology analysts anticipated this mass effect many years ago,  though few could’ve anticipated the computer would go from being the size of a few school buses to fitting in the corner of our pockets so quickly.  The Internet and the psychosocial dysfunctions that accompany it seem to have crept up on us all like a psych-brain virus with a decade long incubation cycle.   Or, an incremental assault on thinking and being.

We can now step into computer or gamer addiction support groups the same way a drug addict does.  “Digital Depression” was identified some time ago by Dr. Peter Honey who noted, “the profusion of communications technology (mobiles, email, blueberries, wireless PDAs and laptops) are contributing to a rise in employee stress levels, currently affecting 64% of the working population,” and that was back in 2003.  Since then, the landscape has been numbingly dotted by WI-FI, Android, Internet televisions, and the advertising/social networking behemoth Facebook, which, if ranked as a country, would be listed as the world’s third largest nation (also sporting a 14 billion dollar price tag).  It’s hard not to feel like an insect in an expanding electronic colony.

Our very personalities, what defines us as who we are (socially speaking), seem to be degenerating into a miniature Internet, with no time allotted for reflection on just what it is we actually are — what “holds” this experience of being together.  The persona itself has become a kind of hyperlinked body, connecting to whatever the latest crap we lapped during our last surf, or we drop into the bits in our personal meme hall of fame when there happens to be an uncomfortable silence.

A study from the International Center for Media and the Public Agenda, “24 Hours: Unplugged,” asked 200 students on the campus to give up all media for a full day and blog on private Web sites about their experience. Student reaction showed addiction-like withdrawal symptoms such as anxiety, misery, and being jittery, the authors wrote.  It’s no surprise that conversation is also falling into an abyss of flippant snark, data regurgitation, and monocultural babble (enter Quagmire’s “Giggidys” here) alongside the clockwork like dialog dongs of “Umm,” “Huh?” and “What happ’n?”  So too our relationship to the self as well as the outside world is becoming a desperate realm of agitated ghosts.  This is well illustrated in the deeply unsettling documentary “We Live in Public” which stands as a modern textbook account of the depth of psychological unease and violence that can befall individuals when they become the center-point of their own 24-hour CCTVed, digital utopia.  Even Charles Manson pointed out how grotesquely juvenile the consciousness of a culture is that requires movies to see the obviousness of our shared plight — “Avatar” anybody?

We now gobble food and relationships as carnivorously as we gobble data — without stopping to actually taste, savor, enjoy, and digest.  We move on to the next brief satisfaction.  The public declaration of one’s “availability” speaks something nasty about who and what we assume relationships are: “…soft, strong, and disposable,” as Madeline Kahn said in “Clue.”  It’s getting to the point where one may wonder if Oscar Wilde would have enough toner to finish printing the satire our digital selves are worthy of.

In this swelling info-orgy more people from all walks of life are finding it necessary to disconnect.  Bill McKibben noted that, “In the case of the so-called information society, it may be the largest psychological experiment in history.”  Arianna Huffington and Ellen Kunes, have drawn attention to this problem with the “Unplug and Recharge Challenge.”  They write,  “We’re addicted to our personal digital assistants…Thankfully, we’re both on the road to recovery.”  Carr points out on his blog Rough Type, “James Sturm, the cartoonist who has taken a four-month sabbatical from the Internet, continues to write (and draw) about his experience as one of The Disconnected.”  Outside of Sturm’s welcomed soldiering, another answer may lie in Maggie Jackson’s “Distracted: The Erosion of Attention and the Coming Dark Age,” which closes with a chapter of her at a meditation retreat in Colorado, through which she attempts to reclaim her attention.  It seems that alongside the Internet and the kind of world culture that monetarism allows for — differential advantage, Gulf Oil spill, political ego-worship, porn-driven advertising, slavery and suffering — we are coming into a few realizations, and the need for real active change on a personally subjective and a socio-global level is needed now more than ever.  This is coming as we begin to realize that our minds are not only being diabolically shaped through language, media, social manipulation, technology, and catastrophe, but also that we haven’t even “met” our own mind.  As the band Salon of Refuse puts it, we’re far too busy with our “Faces to the screens.”

The summer edition of Kalle Lasn’s Adbusters, “The Whole Brain Catalog,” calls for a historic new movement, dubbed, “Mental Environmentalism.”  The need for this new movement springs from a disturbing prediction from the United Nations: “Mental disease will be bigger than heart disease by 2020.”  Lasn’s article “Ecology of Mind: The Birth of a Movement,” outlines “an introduction to some of the mental pollutants, information viruses and psychic shocks we have to deal with daily.”  This invigorating article ends with a call to subjective arms.  “As more people trace their anxieties, mood disorders and depression back to the toxins in our mental world, the first murmurs of insurrection can be heard…we are witnessing the birth pangs of the quintessential uprising of the 21st century…What begins here today will be known as the environmental movement of the mind.”

NASA physicist Thomas Campbell’s  “My Big TOE: A Trilogy Unifying Physics, Metaphysics, and Philosophy” is a worthy handbook for this “Mental Environmentalism” movement, as it not only derives quantum mechanics and general relativity, but also opens the reader to the universe that is experiencing this universe.  Campbell’s 900-page mind-expanding slap-in-the-face offers one a kind of map of consciousness and subjectivity — how to easily unload one’s accrued mental baggage and move deeper into one’s own individual awareness to discover, as he calls it “Big Truth.”  MBT also outlines the logical, scientific measures an individual needs to take to become a powerful, mobile vehicle in the deep oceans of consciousness rather than a helpless life raft baking to death on the surface.

Ways to break the digital compulsion besides the obvious (God forbid) turning off the toys?

– Limit (or better yet cut off) caffeine and sugar intake.  Yes, it’s heresy but we’re metabolically attempting to recreate 3G with this incessant chemical suckling.  It’s thoroughly destroying our attention.  This means folks will have to read tiny labels.

– Attempt meditation formally, informally (naturally), or through binaural beat audio technology — which will no doubt become a hugely popular new drugless form of achieving deep relaxation and profoundly wondrous altered states of consciousness once the kids pick it up.  Maybe try that ancient Buddhist practice of sky gazing.

– Take heed from “Fight Club.”  Listen rather than sitting there, pre-loading your turn to speak, like a butt sitting at the thin end of a needle’s prick.

– Look deeply into someone’s eyes for an evening rather than a screen.

– Talk to a stranger for no real reason — save for maybe the fact that they are also another living corner of reality, walking along the very same mystery that you are.

– Date a new person you didn’t meet online.

– Live without going onto Google for a while — it blows the mystery and ends the personal, subjective investigation.  It’s the difference between looking at a field guide to North American insects and digging in your own backyard to find out for yourself.

– For you readers, try Adyashanti, Jiddu Krishnamurti, and Thomas Campbell; all these authors’ works are dedicated to un-programming the mind.

Internet addiction, digital lifestyles, living inside screens, cultural programming, entertainment distractions, and the constant flow of data maybe returning us to the deeply relevant suggestion mentioned half a century ago, “Wouldn’t you love somebody to love” (other than yourself)?  Mental Environmentalists, start looking inwardly and outwardly, and don’t give up.  The answer is already there, smiling.

November 21, 2010

Coolest Fucking Animal Ever

Reminds me of me. Being able to blend into any environment.

November 16, 2010

Phases of Maturity

Step 1: Prisoner & Freedom
The majority of Asian kids seem to be “prisoners” of sorts until “released” to college. The consequences of traditional Asian parenting: perfectly shaped kids trapped in a cocoon — and when the child finally emerges through metamorphosis in college, tests his or her newly found boundaries… the rebellion is much worse than if the parents were around. Because, now, there are no boundaries. Luckily, for me, I had all the freedom I could have wanted growing up. Didn’t receive the traditional Asian parenting… however, all people experience this at some point — if you’re 30 and you still live at home, I can’t say that you have reached step 1 yet.

Step 2: Getting your heart broken
I don’t need to explain this, but you don’t become a man unless you get your heart stomped on, maybe even twice or three times. Any more than that would be overkill. But I would have a hard time respecting someone who’s never had their heart torn out, stomped on, eaten, digested, shitted out, put into a plastic bag, recycled, well, you get the point. Okay I guess I can still respect you – but it would be hard for me to trust you with my life or business if I don’t know how tough you are mentally, and if I don’t know how you deal with traumatic situations.

Step 3: Going Broke Financially
Poker players understand this all too well… and even men like Donald Trump have filed for bankruptcy more than a couple times. Nonetheless, it creates a mental fortitude that was lacking before, and additionally it adds a little bit to the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Step 4: Having Friends & Business Go Wrong
It’s like trying to mix oil and water. We’ve all tried. We’ve all sworn it will work. And some of us prove that when you stir that shit up, it does look like it’s mixing. But when all the dust settles, the two are just better in their own containers.

Step 5: Death of a close person
It speeds up your awareness of everything — makes you rock solid focused on what you want in life… no more complaining about the banality of life. It almost causes you (or me at least) to become less empathetic towards the plight of your fellow man/woman — ceasing to care about the more trivial problems that exist.

Step 6: Achieving Big Goals
Graduating from college, landing that awesome job, making partner at the firm, starting a company, selling a company, retiring… whatever financial, career, or other big goals you have — once goals are set, and met — it gives you confidence that you can achieve whatever you want.


most people will go through all 6 steps in their life // it’s been a fun roller coaster ride having the majority of these things happen within a short time period // but that’s the only way I could have had it // I mean, when I watch Lost, I must wait until the season is over and then CRAM the whole season into a 24 hour-Lost-Marathon // if tough events in life are to happen, I guess better to get them over with sooner than later… well, I’m not proposing that it’s great to just start having people break your heart and die and take your money at the same time you’re achieving your goals and just escaping the grasp of mommy and daddy — but I guess I’m just trying to look on the bright side of things…

where the hell do I come up with this shit? I know. not really sure. I just start typing.


November 13, 2010


father got sick
dropped last 2 classes at USC
ditched law school aspirations (everyone always asked me why I didn’t go to lawschool — it’s really bc my dad got sick and our family ran out of money),
started working in real estate
about this time market was crashing and market saturated by brokers already
went about 11 months without an income
father died before I closed my first deal
closed my first deal
girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me and moved to Hawaii
then it was 2007
became depressed and buried myself in work this year, maybe went out once or twice
did enough deals to survive this year
alienated a lot of friends, became a hermit
2008 real estate got really bad
have 2 dogs and couldn’t even buy food for myself
was putting on suit and tie daily but couldn’t afford a hair cut
started cutting my own hair *cry
had on-again off-again relationship with Hawaii ex-gf
2009 realized that the only saving grace of my career was money
admitted i hated what i was doing admitted i was only going bc I was stubborn and didn’t want to give up
really wanted to be with my gf in Hawaii, combined w/ general job dissatisfaction, so I started a new company
end of 2009 partner leaves (on good terms though) to pursue other opportunities (he was my best friend so I felt hurt he was leaving me, business aside, felt abandoned)
2010 company starts taking off so I quit my commercial broker day job to focus 100%
girlfriend and I break up in May, for good this time (6 yr total)
I lose my passion for new company, mid-life crisis begins at age 27
seriously, father died at 53 yrs and I’ve achieved goals which I now don’t care about, love of my life gone
I buy motorcycle, find surfing, strippers, poker all over again, madden, call of duty, hanging out with college people for some reason
life is worth living again
not working too much, being irresponsible with money and company
employees, who are all friends (I only hire friends), see me going into a bad place and pull a mutiny on me
they give me a 24 hr ultimatum to assign 95% of company to them and full control bc of my insane state of mind…I say no.
to their defense, they really thought they were doing the right thing, and I can’t blame them… too much… 😉
95% of my company is gone the next day, along with all clients.Website gets deleted, no emails, nothing.
my income goes from ‘kind being able to support my lifestyle’ to ‘zero’ within 30 days.
sell my car to pay October bills
car was super sentimental to me and the last thing I thought i would sell bc my father bet me that I couldn’t make a 4.0 GPA my freshman year at USC, I did and he bought it for me and he told me he never really thought I would do it! He thought I would try, get an A minus maybe, and he would get the best of that deal!
can’t afford to keep the condo rent going
moved into office
sleeping on floor with yellow sleeping bag (begging for sympathy I know)
selling motorcycle to pay November bills
cell phone I’ve had for 10 years gets shutoff bc I can’t pay the bill, and frankly, I don’t care anymore!
on plentyoffish.com trying to find a girl that doesn’t mind paying for our dates
considers becoming a comedian
all in all, life for me is better than it has ever been; I feel smarter than I ever have; more in control than ever before; more attractive than I’ve ever been; and all the hardships have given me a 50Cent like bullet-proof vest to tackle the world with.
not sure why i’m sharing this with another soul as i’ve been very kept to myself my entire life but it’s proof to myself that I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I may have been embarrassed before, but it’s actually quite funny if you think about it. Well, not since it’s happening to me right now, but I’m thinking about next year, “hey Weldon, remember when I was sleeping in a sleeping bag on my office floor?”



p.s. the thing that hurts me the most is that I only ever had good intentions too — the whole point wasn’t to make me rich (okay that was always the point assholes, right?). I’ve always had trouble keeping close friends — mostly because the relationships we have are superficial and fleeting, and sometimes I’m the only one honest enough to acknowledge that. I was more concerned with surrounding myself with friends and people I trusted than actually running a business, and it ends up biting me in the ass. I guess the next time around it will be all business. I only cared for you guys and only wanted the best for all of us, I really can’t believe you did this to me.

November 9, 2010



Architects need not be thought of as only interested in drawing blueprints for buildings or roads or bridges. They are the master designers of all kinds of theoretical systems, including school curricula, corporate strategies, and new technologies. For Architects, the world exists primarily to be analyzed, understood, explained – and re-designed. External reality in itself is unimportant, little more than raw material to be organized into structural models. What is important for Architects is that they grasp fundamental principles and natural laws, and that their designs are elegant, that is, efficient and coherent.

Architects are rare – maybe one percent of the population – and show the greatest precision in thought and speech of all the types. They tend to see distinctions and inconsistencies instantaneously, and can detect contradictions no matter when or where they were made. It is difficult for an Architect to listen to nonsense, even in a casual conversation, without pointing out the speaker’s error. And in any serious discussion or debate Architects are devastating, their skill in framing arguments giving them an enormous advantage. Architects regard all discussions as a search for understanding, and believe their function is to eliminate inconsistencies, which can make communication with them an uncomfortable experience for many.

Communication tip for INTP employee with an Idealist boss Ruthless pragmatists about ideas, and insatiably curious, Architects are driven to find the most efficient means to their ends, and they will learn in any manner and degree they can. They will listen to amateurs if their ideas are useful, and will ignore the experts if theirs are not. Authority derived from office, credential, or celebrity does not impress them. Architects are interested only in what make sense, and thus only statements that are consistent and coherent carry any weight with them.

Architects often seem difficult to know. They are inclined to be shy except with close friends, and their reserve is difficult to penetrate. Able to concentrate better than any other type, they prefer to work quietly at their computers or drafting tables, and often alone. Architects also become obsessed with analysis, and this can seem to shut others out. Once caught up in a thought process, Architects close off and persevere until they comprehend the issue in all its complexity. Architects prize intelligence, and with their grand desire to grasp the structure of the universe, they can seem arrogant and may show impatience with others who have less ability, or who are less driven.

November 7, 2010

fucking genius

Sam Zell Says High-Quality Commercial Real Estate Will Fill at Lower Rents


if you need a billionaire to tell you this, probably a better idea that you get out of the real estate business. I can’t believe this article made it on Bloomberg. Let me paraphrase it for you:

“I made a lot of money. This means what I say is true. If you lower your rents, your building will fill up. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen before. People would much rather buy a building that’s fully leased than one that is 100% vacant. Buildings that actually produce income are more valuable that buildings that don’t produce income. There was this thing called a recession that occurred right around 2008  — since I sold all my shit in 2007, that means I’m a badass. Oh, by the way, I reinvested some of my profits into this media company that went belly up because a 69-year-old man has no business trying to invent the next Twitter.”

I say go play some golf and hang out with your grand kids old man — you’ve made your money, now go lay down.


p.s. I am being sarcastic.

October 23, 2010

Rock & A Hard Place

Hey, you know that place — that place between a rock and a hard place? yea, that place. I finally know what that looks like! there’s not very much room to move around!


it’s really more like this… from this perspective, I only have one option, to the naked untrained eye. However, if I’m the goat, I jumped.

September 23, 2010

my life is a quest to be understood

i took a mental break from life the last couple of months. shirked many responsibilities and let people down around me. call it a midlife crisis if you will — but just another invented label. I read somewhere that crisis in Chinese means “dangerous opportunity” with a direct translation. That’s true. When we enter crisis mode, you can either collapse or win. I don’t think there’s many other choices. Because my father passed away at 53 years — and I’m 27 — I think I’m allowed to say I’m having my midlife crisis without you looking at me with the same look if you saw Michael Jackson doing a line of coke off Lindsay Lohan’s lower back. My uncle also died in his forties. I kind of feel like I’ve lived half my life already. I guess I’ve been trying to figure out how I want to live the other half.

I’m keeping this post private until further notice. So I guess this is basically a legit diary entry — with the intention of being released later on. Hopefully I don’t die on the motorcycle I just bought.

I’ve been running around without a care in the world and neglecting my company. I’ve disappointed some people close to me — which is really all the motivation I need to get back in and handle business. It’s not about my life anymore. It’s about the effect I have on other people. I just want to improve the peoples’ lives who decide to associate with me. Even if it’s an old lady I help cross the street — that’s improving someone’s life. Making my waitress laugh and smiling at people on the sidewalk. Creating a company that supports the people close to me so that we can all have a good time. Motivating with positive reinforcement because the world doesn’t need any more negativity. Trust me, I’m still a big asshole though so just stay out of my way and give me what I want.

I need to know who’s here for me, and who’s here for other reasons. I’ll post this because I’ve stopped caring if people find out who I really am.