Archive for May 3rd, 2011

May 3, 2011

Cinqo Despizo 2011

edit: this was meant as a personal private blog never to be released maybe posthumously (kidding i kid); i don’t give a fuck anymore; hiding myself sucks; hermitiddy (yes i made that up sux) this is who i am, this is who i be, fuck you and your insecurity, here is mine. Mom, Dad, I miss you, world, this is who i am. Fuck off. And accept me. Seeeee i no scare to share.

I just turned 28. I’m broke.
This was not the first time I ran out of dog food and felt an utter sense of desperation.
The difference this time around is that, come to think about it, I’m quite happy right now– although, any ‘normal’ person (whatever that means) might be having a nervous breakdown if there were in my shoes, my tattered holey 3yr old jogging sneakers.
I live in West Los Angeles, just bordering Santa Monica, just a few miles from the Sunny Pacific ocean and Venice Beach. I’ve got my two dogs, one rather porkie 12lb yorkshire terrier and a 20lb miniature american Eskimo– who, by the way, bit me in the face (nose) the other day.
May 1st just passed (the day rent is always due, not just May, like, every 1st of the 1st…) and we’re paying bi-monthly, meaning, we pay landlord every 2 weeks. It’s been structured this way because we’re never going to have ~$2500 sitting around at one time; shit, if we did, I’d have blown it on weed and strippers already.

don’t ask me how I arrived at this situation.


I had sort of an epiphany today, I’ve been having quite a lot of these. Either that or I’m going insane. Whatever, ignorance is kind of bliss.
I kind of just don’t care about anything. Call it laziness or, if you’re more spiritual, a state of Nirvana.
I once possessed this gangster hustle, this burning passion to make loads of money, drive a lambo, and just be the envy of all mankind.
I don’t know if it’s due to the copious amounts of weed I’ve been smoking, but my motivation  for all that is gone.
I like surfing, I like shooting the shit, pontificating, and smoking weed.

so, the epiphany developed from answering the following question:

— how and why did a sudden shift in my personality, attitude, wants, needs, and desires occur almost overnight?  

additionally, why do I now have such a lackadaisical I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck attitude?


I used the last of my money to pay 2 weeks of rent.. and the remaining $100 or so bucks I re-registered for another yr (May 22nd is LM’s 2yr birthday as well as domain expiration date…).

I also registered // haha, I was thinking about Groupon for the weed industry. Gawd how I wish I could get into the weed business somehow. I am very passionate about the plant, the bud, the THC, the smoking of it. It’s given me such a clarity to life, well, I should give myself a lot of credit. I should say, to be succinct: WEED has removed the superficiality from my life…

I used to care about stuff that just plain doesn’t matter. For example, my first car, when I was 16, I’m remembering how mad I’d get about a scratch or dent, and how anxious I’d be when the car wasn’t in my sight. Fast forward 10+ plus years and a couple cars later… what was the point of getting angry and worked up over a hunk of metal that is not going to be part of my life for too long?

Who knows. Maybe I’m getting too deep here, and I’ll keep saying this because I know you’re thinking it, maybe I just smoke too much weed.

But– I still wonder why it seems like I’m the only one that just doesn’t care about anything. I’m happy, I’m sad– the outside material world doesn’t tug my emotional cords too much anymore.


Don’t neuter me.
I don’t want to stabilize my mood.
Look, I have good days, I have bad days.
I’m not good with knowing what emotions I’m feeling always.
I realized that happiness occurs on my good days.
I realized that depression occurs on my “blah” days, as I have been categorizing them to myself. because depression is a negative word and only pansy ass bitches have depression.
So, my point is, I don’t for a minute want to “stabilize” my moods to a more moderate and less variable range. Fuck that shit.
I enjoy the good days too damned much, get too much done, and create creative creativity.
So what I’d rather have is MORE of the good days and LESS of the bad, without drugs, but WITH my favorite plant, the herbilicious satival cannabistic monsta.
And if I cannot grant myself less of the bad, then at least I wish for people to leave me the fuck alone.
And my good days, I’d like to welcome people back into my life like I had never been gone.
And for them to all just understand.